conversations with the homeless (i)

Last summer I went to my favorite downtown hole-in-the-wall pizza spot. I ordered my usual. A slice of cheese, a slice of white with broccoli. As I sat waiting, I was approached by a very well-dressed black woman with very short hair and a diamond earring. She said, "Hello". I backed away a bit, to which she replied, "Don't worry! I'm not going to stab you or anything! It's broad daylight!" Clearly she assumed that I was just scared of black people, when the case was that I'm just scared of very friendly people. Or perhaps she stabs people when it's NOT broad daylight.

In any case, She introduced herself as "Laura" and went on to tell me that she had just lost her job at Sony and got kicked out of her apartment. Honestly, I didn't understand her story, but she told it well enough to make me feel bad for her. Considering that she was hungry, I let her have a bite of my pizza, and then she gave me a hug. Let me tell you. She definitely smelled homeless.

Then she asked me for five dollars. I believe she realized that this proposition brought our relationship to an entirely new level, so she proceeded to tell me what she'd use the five dollars to buy from the pizza place. Then she made some comment about it being "gay pride every day in New York City." I don't know why she assumed that I was gay, but for some reason her sales pitch worked. I told her I was feeling generous and gave her the five dollars.

I realize that I should have stopped there, but then she said "OH, well since you're feeling generous, how about ten dollars? Let me tell you what else I could get with that!" Then she offered me a bag with a VCR in it. There was no explanation of where this VCR came from. It was just a VCR. Not a DVD player. A VCR. A VCR that she wanted to give to me. A VCR that I didn't take. In retrospect, it would have been extremely useful for watching my VHS copy of "Follow That Bird". Maybe I should have taken it.

I wound up giving her $20 by the end of the conversation, mostly because she was the most charismatic homeless person I had ever met. Maybe it's just because I'm weak. It certainly wasn't because I'm rich.

Laura left the pizza place without buying anything. She gave me another hug, a kiss on the cheek, and blessed me on the verge of tears. I never saw her again.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Seriously take to heart the moral of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. Apparently, it's about homeless lesbians.